I am feeling a bit down today, and therefore listening to Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" on a loop on YouTube.
I sometimes suffer from unexplained melancholy. Some psychiatrists said it's Bipolar Disorder Type 2 and put me on medication.
However, there's the danger if there's a misdiagnosis. A friend's son told me that his father was wrongly diagnosed and consequently put on the wrong medication.
"He started to get feelings of being a useless entity on Earth. He began to have emotions that made him feel that his life lacked meaning and purpose," the son told me.
What happened then? I asked.
He told me his father committed suicide but being so young at the time his mother kept that fact as a secret. It was only when the son turned 18 that his mother told him the truth and declared that she had lied that the father had left her and the son.
Though this Dylan song doesn't relate to my personal life, I guess I kind of want to feel sadness because I can identify with so many millions of people having lost their loved ones due to war, conflict, famine and whatnot. So perhaps I like this song because it reminds me to be humble about me being fortunate in most areas of my life.
However, my favorite song of all time is Coldplay's "The Hardest Part" because with every listen, it brings to my mind all the loves I lost but not necessarily through breakups. I guess the sexual drive may be the strongest in all living organisms.
Except for one, I still keep in touch with everyone with whom I had romantic and sexual affairs. Me distancing from them was more to do with our life circumstances. Sometimes it was due to long distance relationships. In fact, my current boyfriend and I have a hard time maintaining our relationship with me been on the Moon and he been on Earth. Contacting and communicating through Skype type software and apps is quite difficult and doesn't really make us feel we are that close as lovers.
Call it our fate due to the fault in our stars.
Sometimes I desperately want to believe in coincidence, destiny, and serendipity, just to calm down the anxiety, depression, and panic attacks that grip my mind at most unexpected times. At such times, I listen to my second favorite song, Linkin Park's "In the End" which now always makes me wonder why Chester Bennington took his own life. Is it because in the end nothing really matters as he sings? Is it because when we die, we return to Earth's dust and join the energy cycle of the Cosmos?
I confess there were two instances in my life when I seriously considered committing suicide. But I saw a dream in which this Dylan song provided a backdrop for images of the evolution of life. Waking up, I realized that this same song was playing in the trailer of "I'm Not There" based on Dylan's life.
The dream made me realize that suicide was not an option and that life is too beautiful. To this day I don't know why I saw this dream which saved me in every way imaginable. I like to believe it was God working in His mysterious way and saved me. But the problem is I don't believe in a Higher Power. I consider the Universe as just the place that exists on its own for eternity although I don't know why the Cosmos is organized and arranged in the way it is now. Hence, I keep wondering why we have planets with life on it. Or are all things alive such as seemingly inanimate rocks? Shall I worship them although Buddhists and Hindus are not idol worshippers though Muslims perceive they are? I like Richard Dawkins' ideas although unlike him I don't have any problems worshipping gravity because this inexplicable force literally keeps us firmly grounded.
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