Chapter 5

I keep a journal. As anyone who keeps a diary can attest, such record keeping does help to organize thoughts in my mind. 

Which brings me to the case of Steve. Recently, I realized that if I had sincerely and wholeheartedly ever loved anybody, it is Steve. One of my scuba diving buddies. 

Though it pains me that he didn’t return my love in a romantic sense, I still feel he’s one of the few who have always been unprejudiced toward me and doesn’t mind my idiosyncrasies though I am a bit conscious that I am too campy and effeminate for some people’s tastes.

I have been trying hard not to get emotionally attached to Steve. 

One fine morning while Steve was dropping me off at the Earth to Moon shuttle terminal, I told him that in old age I will keep him company. I am not sure whether he was dodging the issue when he told me that he won’t be lonely because even when he becomes an elderly senior citizen, he would be working his ass off like any good German workaholic although he would always be in touch socially.

I guess it’s time I stick to my decision to give up any sense of romantic attachment with Steve because so far he seems unsettled around his occasional opening up to me which makes me wonder whether he has an affection somewhere in him for me but he is not sure or doesn’t want to express it.

So I really need to let him go. I need to stick to only rational actions although romantic love is one of the most irrational things I have experienced up to today in my life.